The first writing to my blog

Till now I never had a blog, particularly a blog on the internet.
Maybe during my bloging will be a lot of mistakes because I'm not the best in the english language, but I think I have to practice english, because if I do it, maybe I will be better in english.:)
But if nobody check me, I won't develop, so as a matter of fact I really don't know why I'm writing in eglish. It's all the shame.
My blog's adress is smile after cry. I think it's interesting. If I start thinking about it, the first what come in my mind is I have a mask. A mask, what I'm wearing all days. No, not all days, sometimes. Yes, I think sometimes. Soo that mask, what I wear sometimes, hide my sad face, hide my tears from the world. And on my mask there is a smile. A smile,what protect me from questions. Those questions, what recall the bad and sad things.The things, what are the worst things in my life, what changed my life.
Do you know that how does it feel like growing up without a fond father, or just without a father?Unfortunately a lot of people know it, and I know it too. And that's the main thing,why I wear a mask sometimes. As a matter of course there was a lot of bad things in my life, what I didn't want talk about...
so my dad...my dad was alcoholic.when is was 7,my parents got divorced, and i stayed with my mother.we moved to my grandparents.
and when I was 10,my father died in pulmonary embolism. when he died, I didn't understand what means when somebody die. I didn't know what is death. The first time when I realised what is death was at my father's obsequies. when let down the cascet into the lair, and put the first scoop of grit on it, I started to cry, and I felt, that something happened in me. I just stood near the lair, and was crying, and I understood, what is death. I understood that I will never meet with my father.
Since he died we have never talked about him. maybe I haven't worked up that yet. But maybe I will never work up.it's a thing what will attend me in my whole life.
It's really hard.
I haven't got memories about enjoyable family trips, about fond father...
I know that a lot of worse things happen in the world, happen in family's lives, and I don't want to complain. I just wrote down my feelings.
I love this blog, because here I can write my feelings, everything about me, about my life,what I can't say to my friends. I can't say, because there is something what is blocking me...When I drink alcohol I can speak about me more easily, because when I drink, the blocking is no more. It doesn't mean, that I drink so many, that I don't know about me.I drink as much as the curb breaks off.