5.

I wrote this hungarian poem(if we can name it a poem at all):


Halottak napja

Minden évben egy nap.
Egy nap, hogy emlékezzünk,
Egy nap, hogy közelebb érezzük;
Azt, aki meghalt,
És ez a szívembe mar,
Fáj és ég!
Oh, mondd!
Mit tudok tenni még?

Gyertyát gyújtok, és a sötétségben ülök,
Bámulom a lángot és azon tűnődök,
Vajon meddig kell ezt még nekem tűrnöm?!
Mikor gyógyul a régen szerzett seb,
Mely helyén még mindig oly érzékeny a heg,
Hogy meglátom a lángot, és már is vér fut belőle,
És én csak állok, és nem jutok egyről a kettőre,
Fáj és ég!
Oh, mondd!
Mit tudok tenni még?

Szépen, csöndben eltelik a nap,
Végig türtőztetem magam,
Szinte egy könnycsepp sem hullik,
Hisz azon oly sok múlik.
Végül elindul egy csepp, majd zúg az áradat
És egyszer csak azon kapod magadat,
Hogy sírsz, rísz, szíved majd megszakad,
Fáj és ég!
Oh, mondd!
Mit tudok tenni még?

4.

Oh jeah. Again it was long ago that I wrote in my blog.
The summer went away fast. Now I go to school every day, and I'm always tired. But no problem.It will be good...
About in june I talked with Andy, and she said to me, that my big love will come in summer.I was waiting him, and he didn't come, and I'm sad, because I don't know that i would ever had a boyfriend, a husband, a family...I'm alone, and I hate it.And everybody says; Réka you are pretty, you aren't chubby, you are kind, and not ugly, and so on...But I really can't belive it, because if it's true, I should'nt be alone...So fuck... I'm just waiting, and become sadder because nobody comes,especially my love.
I feel myself Looser, a BIG LOOSER.
Sometimes it's so bad when I saw a lot of lovers, and I look them enviously.
I know that in the world a lot of people has bigger problem, than my love problem, just it's not good. There are a lot of girls, who I think uglier,than me, and even so they have boyfriends.because they have self-confidence, and I don't have. It's a very big problem...I wrote down that to Bácskai, and I want to talk with her about it as occasions offer, but so far haven't offered yet...and maybe never will have offered...Fuck!
Wretch that I am!

3.

Oh, it was long ago, when I wrote to my blog.It's bad, because I should practice english every day, to know that language better.
Now, I am sooo tired. I went to schol to 7h, because I had bookish physical training. Than I went to my little darlings. I love them so much. Sometimes I just sit beetween them, and thinking about that how strong and happy they are. For example zsókamóka. she is so pretty, and she want to be better, and better.
When I think in their future, sometimes I will sad, because some of them will just sit in a wheelchair.But exactly it's not sure,just the chanche is big.
And sometimes I think in their life. It' so hard. F.e. Matyi can't speak, can't change his position alone, can't do anything alone except for use their hands a little bit.
oh I can't write more, because I almost fall asleep.

2.

Today I saw a good film (Kaméleon). It's a hungarien film, and I liked it.
I like those films, what aren't mass-produced. My favourite film is The man without a face with Mel Gibson.I like films. Good films.
I was thinking, and I know that yesterday I was melancholic. I wrote just sad things, but there is a lot of good things in my life. For example my mother. I like her, and I think, she is the best mom in the world. I know most of us think that too. :)
And I am veryvery lucky, because I find my way in my life. I'm learning in a very good academy. I will be conductor, and that's the main thing, and now that's the most important in my life. I'm on my way, and I want to walk it all over.
And yesterday I should seemed sad, and depressive, but as a matter of fact I'm happy, just sometimes it's hard to me, to face my past, to work up my past. And there is always something what can flip me out.
there are trough of ways, and trough of hills in our lifes. We must live both of them.It can't be, that somebody is always happy, or always sad. everybody get from both. but we are disposed for we just beheld the happy things.

The first writing to my blog

Till now I never had a blog, particularly a blog on the internet.
Maybe during my bloging will be a lot of mistakes because I'm not the best in the english language, but I think I have to practice english, because if I do it, maybe I will be better in english.:)
But if nobody check me, I won't develop, so as a matter of fact I really don't know why I'm writing in eglish. It's all the shame.
My blog's adress is smile after cry. I think it's interesting. If I start thinking about it, the first what come in my mind is I have a mask. A mask, what I'm wearing all days. No, not all days, sometimes. Yes, I think sometimes. Soo that mask, what I wear sometimes, hide my sad face, hide my tears from the world. And on my mask there is a smile. A smile,what protect me from questions. Those questions, what recall the bad and sad things.The things, what are the worst things in my life, what changed my life.
Do you know that how does it feel like growing up without a fond father, or just without a father?Unfortunately a lot of people know it, and I know it too. And that's the main thing,why I wear a mask sometimes. As a matter of course there was a lot of bad things in my life, what I didn't want talk about...
so my dad...my dad was alcoholic.when is was 7,my parents got divorced, and i stayed with my mother.we moved to my grandparents.
and when I was 10,my father died in pulmonary embolism. when he died, I didn't understand what means when somebody die. I didn't know what is death. The first time when I realised what is death was at my father's obsequies. when let down the cascet into the lair, and put the first scoop of grit on it, I started to cry, and I felt, that something happened in me. I just stood near the lair, and was crying, and I understood, what is death. I understood that I will never meet with my father.
Since he died we have never talked about him. maybe I haven't worked up that yet. But maybe I will never work up.it's a thing what will attend me in my whole life.
It's really hard.
I haven't got memories about enjoyable family trips, about fond father...
I know that a lot of worse things happen in the world, happen in family's lives, and I don't want to complain. I just wrote down my feelings.
I love this blog, because here I can write my feelings, everything about me, about my life,what I can't say to my friends. I can't say, because there is something what is blocking me...When I drink alcohol I can speak about me more easily, because when I drink, the blocking is no more. It doesn't mean, that I drink so many, that I don't know about me.I drink as much as the curb breaks off.